As young as I remember I liked SF, it was fun, imaginary get away from my real world. Although I appreciate the beautiful nature around me, farm working was boring and tough. And the village was really small. So SF was always my getaway drug. On top of this, anything related to science (or even any books) considered positive from my family and the school. So I was having my secret fun. But until I got into high school I did not have the solid desire of what I wanted to be and I knew my family wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, which seemed quite reasonable for me considering my grade and expected financial security. Unfortunately, I did not have any mentor around me to give advice. But still, my parents were great, providing more than they can afford to support my education and possible development. For example, my family did not have electricity until I was 4 but I had my first encyclopedia when I was around 6 which cost them a fortune. And when I was around 11 I had my first PC at my house which cost them probably 6 months of earning.
After school, I always headed back to the farm even though I always wanted to play more with kids. Because I felt bad not to help my parents working. I knew how hard they try to make ends meet.
I was pretty good on the test score but not particularly only in math and science. I was good at most of the stuff because my brain functions better than friends around me (well it was a small community). For example, I was good at drawing because I have good hand-eye coordination and my spatial cognitive skills developed faster than my age. I read faster, argued better, I was bigger than my friends and stronger because I was a farmer. I mean literally, I was working like a grown man. I was already almost 170 cm tall when I was 13, which is quite tall in my community and my generation. In a way I should have been a very confident boy, on the contrary, I was not. I was introvert and sometimes overreacting to hide my fear of social interaction. I could compensate for my lack of confidence by getting good grades at school, which I have to admit that it was quite addictive.
At some point, I dreamed about being an astronaut. And before I finish my middle school I realized that as a Korean being a real astronaut is almost impossible. We cannot make a huge rocket, simply because of North Korea / USA international politics. I thought Russia and USA would not hire somebody from Korea for a manned mission to space because of national security. And I was undermining the potential of China. And more and more I realized that the SF version of a space mission is more like fantasy and it is rather similar to the military mission. In combined with a slight fear of height, I soon abandoned my dream of being an astronaut.
Since I started my high school years, things had changed. I was living in the dormitory separated from my family. I got to visit my house for only one day a month. All the schedule was managed by teachers with limited free time. The school was dedicated to training students in a certain way so they can be successful in Korean SAT test (or Korean Baccalauréat). The type of education was quite non-standard in a way because the Korean SAT is a quite atypical type of test. It consists of only ‘multiple choice’ type questions. The test was dedicated to measuring student rank nation wise. My guess is, the objective is to measure students’ understanding of high school curriculum so we can use that as a barometer to line up them. It seems now sort of national IQ test for high school graduates. But society does not want any controversy arising from the assessment which could be seen as subjective such as writing an essay. Also, the test should not be too challenging or out of the scope of high school textbooks, which considered as a gateway to unfairness between rich and poor. But in turn, making a simple mistake on the test could be disastrous. So you needed strong gut.
So as you can imagine, my study was focusing on only a few subjects which appear in the Korean SAT test. Korean language (it actually focus more on your linguistic ability), Math, Social science (history, geography, philosophy, etc.), Science, and English. Other subjects not included in the test were not considered important. So subjects like physical education, art, other foreign languages were assigned with the minimum amount of time or forbidden. Our mission was understanding the current trend of question styles in the Korean SAT and preparing for perfection. Of course, reading any materials not related to the test was strictly forbidden.
Don’t get me wrong I am still grateful to my high school for many things. For 3 years the school system removed any possible excuse to be lazy and they financially supported me during and after the school years. The teachers were working hard to provide any materials necessary. But life was tough. It was still the time that teachers could physically punish students in the name of discipline (on the level of you might have trauma later). I was sleeping average 5 hours a day and the food was not amazing. We were cleaning the dormitory and the school by ourselves. I had absolutely no privacy except toilet stool, I was living with 12 boys in the same bedroom and sharing open showers with everybody. Yeah, of course, it was only male school. Physical activity was limited too much for teenagers and constant stress was floating in the air without any exit. There were no vacation and weekends. Night snacks were forbidden under the reason of health protocol. The test scores were published openly to boost completion among students. I was healthy at the beginning but later I developed minor scoliosis due to extended time of sitting at my desk.
Fortunately, I had good attributes to excel in this type of environment. Healthy and not complaining about foods, fast reading, resource management, guessing probable answer with limited conditions and self-planned strategy for how to study. I got a pretty good mark, soon I was considered as the highest potential success project of the school. But still, I was not sure which major I should choose.
The only getaway for me during this time was listening to the radio on lunch and dinner break. Well, the news was mostly spicy, telling you lots of bad things about society, mainly people of power or rich. Like a politician, CEO of a big company and even police and prosecutors. Korea was passing through a lot of things, including the financial crisis and all the social corruption and disputes which was long-lasting aftermath of democratic movement back in the 70s and 80s. Oh and I cannot forget the day of 9/11. I was already frustrated about my life with nowhere to scream. I wanted to choose something pure but still meaningful for humanity. But bit isolated from society so I don’t have to handle these tricky aspects of real life, like money, power, and politics. Well, it seemed like science majors are good fits. The matter is which one? I was doing my own reasoning, and funny enough I concluded that Physics is coolest. I can compare my naive reasoning at that time as one thinks a certain genre of music is way cooler than others, which for now just laughingly nonsense.
This decision ignited so many fusses in my life at that time, my science teachers were not convinced I am a good enough material for Physics. Because consensus at that time was if you want to become a mathematician or physician you should prove yourself already when you are young by competing in the international or domestic science competitions, such as IMO and IPO (International Physics Olympiad). Certainly, I was not bad at math but I did not study special courses to compete in these kinds of events (way out of the scope of high school level). And my parents were extremely unhappy because the financial expectation of being a scientist seemed too small or even disastrous. They wanted me to choose a stable life. So the main focus of adults around me was only about ‘whether I could attend top university (or medical school) or not’. For the honour of family and the school and also potential stability. At that time, nobody thought about what the kids want or good at. The grades were like money you have to spend with a deadline, and you just buy the most expensive one with your budget.
I was raised as a quite obedient kid, even you could call it as a good child syndrome. Always tried to satisfy the adults around me. But this time I rebelled, disobeyed. I got more and more stubborn whenever someone said no. Fortunately, I got a pretty good mark on the Korean SAT test. The test I took was scandalously tough, which make a few of my friends panicked and failed. My insecurity or a bit of pessimism helped me this time because I prepared myself a little bit harder for the test just in case. This time it paid me back. I was accepted in the top school in my country as a Physics major, how the professors felt about my potential in my interview is another mystery.
The actual undergraduate study was not amazing for me. Youngsters in my class, all of them were extremely brilliant. I was struggling even getting in the average marks. I could not follow the lectures. I was sad when I looked around and I realised that top students are handling classes easily. I was disappointed in me but also did not want to admit that I made the wrong decision to come here. I barely graduated the school, and barely got into the grad school. Luckily my PhD supervisor was a dreamer, Prof believed that getting good marks is not an absolute necessity in doing research (nonetheless it can definitely help). Thanks to my Prof, I could regain my interest in science. I had enjoyed and struggled at the same time during grad school. I learned a lot, I could relate some of my hidden talents with research. And yes here I am. Still trying to contribute something to the community.
I realised that I did not have the ‘wow’ moment when I made a decision to choose science. It was a strange combination of naiveness, rebellion, cynicism, and pure luck. Yes, considering my situation at each time, I was and I am still amazingly lucky. So I am grateful today. As like most of the self-biography, this story is probably bit twisted and coloured in favour of my taste. But I feel quite interesting to write it down.
Coffee Break Special 